You know those internet-based companies that ship out boxes of “hand picked” outfits to indistinctive drones who possess neither personality nor fiscal know-how?
Man Crates is not one of those companies.
Man Crates sends you awesome packages of things you actually want. And, as the name implies, it comes to you in a crate that you need to open yourself with a crowbar. So if you don’t possess the brute strength necessary to rip open a wooden crate then you cannot call yourself a man, and you therefore don’t deserve the goodies crammed inside. What kind of goodies? How about a Zombie Annihilation Crate, which comes with all sorts of sharp zombie-killing weapons, some survival gear for a zombie apocalypse, and a can of spam.
When Man Crates reached out to me and asked what sort of shit I would want in my crate if I suddenly found myself in a horror movie, I came up with these ten essential items:
This is just standard practice. Accidents do happen.
When it comes to flight or fight, I am almost always pro-flight. That’s especially true if I found myself in a horror movie universe. If I’m not going to stand up to the playground bully, I’m definitely not trying to throw down with an axe-wielding maniac. Now how many of these horror movies are set in the woods? Friday the 13th, Sleepaway Camp, The Evil Dead… the best solution here is to just quietly blend in with your surroundings and let the other campers deal with the bad guys.
Seems like in every zombie movie there is some guy just kind of playing it safe on the sidelines while everyone else is bashing skulls. Suddenly a head explodes next to him and SHIT! – a drop of zombie blood lands right on his canker sore. Think of this as a full body condom – no glove, no love.
Pro Tip: Try to get one in camo
Think twice next time before brushing off the guy handing these out at the airport. Not only are they portable, they are like kryptonite to demons, and entirely necessary in the event of an emergency exorcism. You see some shadowy winged beast you break this bad boy out and just start reading as loud as you can.
With vampires it can be hit or miss. Bibles, garlic, crucifixes, and holy water – whichever of these makes them cower like undead little bitches and which makes them laugh in your face is entirely contingent on the movie universe you find yourself trapped in.
Speaking of vampires, you’ll want to be sure to check your neck at all times.
I’ve already mentioned that if I find myself in a horror movie, I’d rather flee like the pussy I am than try to fight a guy wearing a mask made of human face skin. That said, there is always that part in the horror movie when the killer trips on his shoelaces or slips on a banana peel and is rendered temporarily incapacitated. But instead of bashing him in the head, the horny teens he’s been chasing always run away, allowing the madman to regroup and continue the chase. You have to be prepared for this situation. No, you don’t need to kill the guy while he’s out cold (we don’t want to sink to his level). But at the very least you can shatter his knee caps to make sure he stays down.
I was tempted to just list “gun” here, but if I’m being honest with myself I think I’d be too chicken shit to actually shoot one. Also you can’t really DIY a gun, and I wanted to keep this fun.
This is in case we’ve got werewolves running around. I already mentioned I’d be too scared to shoot a gun, so silver bullets are out of the question. Next time your postman drops the mail off, ask him what his preferred brand is then start hoarding it in bulk.
The very worst thing you can do in a horror movie is fall asleep. You wanna get ripped up by a guy with knives for fingers in the dreamworld, or wake up to some perverted creep with mommy issues leaning over you? Didn’t think so. Remember, we’re just trying to stay alive in time for the sun to come up, when all the vampires are back in their coffins and the werewolves are turned back into people. Your drug of choice doesn’t need to be coffee, either. Red Bull, NoDoz, cocaine – it doesn’t matter. Just stay awake.
I know, this sounds so defeatist, but hear me out. You’ve dodged the menace as long as you can, but now it’s got you backed into a corner and you are gonna die. Do you really want your guts ripped by the cold dead fingers of a zombie horde? No thanks. I’d rather take the gentleman’s way out. There are things much worse than death, and being eaten alive is one of them.
Congats! You’ve made it! The sun is up and the only thing left to do is kiss the girl with whom you are forever linked through the horrible things you’ve had to endure to stay alive. The only thing that can ruin this moment is peanut butter breath. Just make sure you keep your gum and cyanide in separate pockets.